Meet the Suns
by dragooncanon
Summary: Sun Shang Xiang and Liu Bei are engaged, now Liu Bei has to meet her family before the wedding. However, the Suns don't seem to like the new family addition at all. Will Liu Bei survive the week?
1. Turmoil Looming Over the Horizon

**I hope you like this! I just remembered the movie, _Meet the Parents_ and the idea just strolled into my mind. By the way, I'm not actually following the historical sequence, so don't be surprised if Sun Jian and Sun Ce are still alive.**

**Disclaimer:** **I don't own Dynasty Warriors.**

**Meet the Suns**

**Chapter I: Turmoil Looming Over the Horizon**

**Summary: Sun Shang Xiang and Liu Bei are engaged and now Liu Bei has to meet her family before the wedding. However, the Suns don't seem to like the new family addition at all. Will Liu Bei survive the hellish week? **

Liu Bei looked at the Sun's estate and shivered.

It was dark, sullen and foreboding; a real avatar of misery and agony. A seemingly horrid dark shadow loomed over the rooftops of the mansion, seeping into the cracks of the aged house. The windows, on the other hand were draped with dull grey rags that looked like specters covering the inner depths of the estate. And Liu Bei swore that the by the large rustic gate he was a shadow pass by.

He had to stay _there_ for an entire week.

"My lord, are you alright?" Zhao Yun asked, placing his hand on Liu Bei's shoulder.

A medium sized cart tied to an old grey mare also known as Hex Mark (the name of Liu Bei's horse in the games) filled with a lot of baggage was halted just a few kilometers away from the Sun's estate and Liu Bei was seated at the edge of it.

Turning to Yun, Liu Bei gulped. "Look at their mansion, Zhao Yun! It's so frightful!" he exclaimed turning away and pointing to the Sun's family estate.

After observing the estate carefully, Yun shrugged; the estate wasn't frightening at all! It was actually beautiful. It was large mansion, surrounded by tall rose-colored walls that surrounded the large amount of land around the mansion itself. Tall trees loomed above the walls and vines adorned with grapes gently crept upon their branches. "But my lord," he replied, "it looks rather fine…"

"I assume he's simply nervous." Zhuge Liang muttered as he walked beside them.

"What? I'm not nervous at all! Why would I be nervous?" Liu Bei protested with a faint laugh to back up his statement.

The two generals eyed him.

"What? What are you both looking at?" Liu Bei demanded.

Suddenly, Sun Shang Xiang spoke up from somewhere else, "Hurry up, Zhang Fei! Just go do you're business here, so we can go on!" she yelled from behind a dead tree.

"Yes, Zhang Fei, you're delaying us! Just go take a tinkle already!" Guan Yu added.

"How can I go if you're both watching me?" Zhang Fei snapped.

"Oh, who wants to watch _you_?" Shang Xiang retorted, at the point of bursting out in fury.

A few minutes later and Shang Xiang came over to Liu Bei and sat beside him. It seems that your brother has to…err…do his business…" she said. Liu Bei chuckled, "I told Zhang Fei not to drink too much before we left…"

"Anyway…I'm so excited to see my family! How about you, Liu Bei?" she asked, looking at him

"Umm...I'm excited too…" he muttered inaudibly.

"See, he's hesitant…" Zhuge Liang whispered to Zhao Yun.

"I'M EXCITED TOO!" Liu Bei yelled upon hearing his strategist. He looked at Zhuge Liang, who had a mischievous smirk hidden behind his feather fan. Breathing heavily after his loud shout, Liu Bei then turned away to look at Shang Xiang.

She looked overjoyed. "Thanks, Bei! You're the greatest!" she beamed, hugging him tightly, "I'm sure they'll love you." He could only sigh. How was he going to survive an entire weekend of anguish at the Sun estate?

Then he looked at Shang Xiang.

He would go through hell for her if necessary, but he knew he still had to be careful. No bad impressions, no screw ups, nothing bad must happen!

Unfortunately, the Suns wanted otherwise…

"I can't believe she's going to marry that scum bag, Liu Bei!" Sun Ce exclaimed, pacing in the library and biting pages off one book, particularly the _Art of War_. He was fuming.

"Please don't react excessively like that, Lord Sun Ce!" Zhou Yu pleaded trying to restrain the feral Ce.

"Calm down, Ce!" Sun Jian barked from his chair. He and Sun Quan were seated by a table, drinking tea, watching Sun Ce rage.

The Tiger of Jiang Dong then sipped some tea and waited for his son to finally calm down.

"She's a smart girl. She'll realize that it's a huge mistake soon." Sun Quan said when Ce finally let the book down, though he still had a page hanging in his mouth, "Besides, mother likes Liu Bei. If she finds out that you want to get rid of him, you're dead…"

"But by then it'll be too late!" Ce protested, pouting. He folded his arms across his chest and waited for a reply (still with the page hanging from his mouth).

"Have patience, Ce." Zhou Yu said, "The great Sun Tzu did say, '_Therefore, those skilled in warfare establish positions that make them invincible and do not miss opportunities to attack the enemy'_…"

"Wow, those are really intelligent words, Zhou Yu." Sun Ce remarked.

"Actually, I just read them off that page in your mouth." Zhou Yu replied dryly as he pointed to the page in Sun Ce's mouth.

"Yes, you look ridiculous, Ce." Sun Jian murmured, "Take it off."

Sun Ce obeyed immediately. "Back to the topic of the discussion…" Ce said, leaning on the table beside his father and brother. "I know that Shang Xiang will realize that Liu Bei sucks."

"Nice way of putting it, Ce…" Sun Quan mumbled.

"Ahem, I'm going to ignore that smart ass answer, bro." Sun Ce said, "Now, I was saying that we can't wait for her to figure it out; however, we can help her."

The others looked at him quizzically.

"I'm just saying," Sun Ce continued, grinning "maybe we should help her realize how bad he is."

"I still don't get it, Ce…" Sun Jian commented, sipping his tea.

"In other words, pop, we make Liu Bei's life a living nightmare and likewise we make him look bad in front of Shang Xiang."

"But mother likes Liu Bei. If she finds out that you want to get rid of him, you're in big trouble…" Sun Quan pointed out.

"Who says she'll find out?"

There was dead silence.

Finally, Sun Jian spoke up, "Well, son… it's a miracle…"

Everyone else held their breath, awaiting an answer. Especially Sun Ce, he was turning blue already. He never tried holding his breath that long.

"It's a miracle that you finally came up with something intelligent…"

They all looked at each other and grinned maliciously. It seemed that Liu Bei's fate was already sealed.

Soon, the word had spread to all the generals in Wu.

"It seems that the Sun family does not like this Liu Bei." Lu Xun told Lu Meng as they both sat down at a horizontal table with their afternoon snack.

They were in Wu's mess hall. A large chamber filled with rows and rows of horizontal tables where the Wu generals would usually eat.

"Well, they fear that he will try to take over Wu during his stay." Lu Meng explained, taking a bite out of his chicken drumstick.

Lu Xun just nodded, eating some of his apple. He diverted his attention to the empty seats before them.

"Hey, ya mind if we sit here?" Gan Ning asked while he and Taishi Ci approached their table. Lu Men motioned them to sit down and they obliged.

Leaning forward, Gan Ning smirked. "So did both of ya hear of the Suns' plan to deal with that bastard from Shu?" he asked. They nodded, "I just don't get though why they don't like him." Lu Xun said, swallowing another bite of his apple, "I mean, this marriage would be a good way to unite both kingdoms." With a laugh, Gan Ning leaned closer to Lu Xun and messed up his neatly placed hat with a rough rub on the forehead.

"You're so naive…" Taishi Ci murmured.

"Yeah, I mean, do ya trust Liu Bei?" Gan Ning asked looking at the young strategist.

"Why? I mean he's a total push-over. He's a certified goody toe-shoe." Lu Xun retorted. Gan Ning chuckled and slapped Lu Xun's back. "I can't believe that _that_ came out of _your_ mouth…" he jeered.

Sighing, Lu Meng muttered, "Oh, Gan Ning stop mocking the boy…" while he rubbed his temples.

"Ah, lighten up, Lu Meng!" Gan Ning sneered, grabbing some of Taishi Ci's oatmeal. The pirate then chucked it at Lu Meng.

Unfortunately for Gan Ning, he had the accuracy of a blind goat.

The oatmeal went past Lu Meng and directly hit Zhou Tai, sitting on another table.

"Oh shit." Gan Ning murmured dropping his hand into the oatmeal as the other Wu general turned his head.

"Who did that?" Zhou Tai demanded, staring angrily at the other generals.

Pointing at Gan Ning, Taishi Ci muttered, "He did it…" while eating his oatmeal that had Gan Ning's hand in it.

With a nasty look, Zhou Tai glared at Gan Ning

Tension filled Gan Ning. He had to think of something and fast. And if he not, he already imagined himself as a hood ornament for Zhou Tai

"Umm… FOOD FIGHT!" Gan Ning yelled, throwing oatmeal all over the room.

Pandemonium erupted and food was being flung everywhere. The other generals began to hurl food all over the room as well.

By nightfall, Liu Bei arrived at the Sun's estate.

Liu Bei was uneasy as they entered the estate. He gulped.

The giant mansion was lighted only by a few lamps on the outside, but within, bright chandeliers' illumination made the mansion glow.

Some horses were being led back to the stables along with the grey mare of Liu Bei.

He looked up at the front door to find the other Suns standing there. Almost immediately, Shang Xiang ran up to them.

"Dad, how are you?" Shang Xiang asked, embracing her father tightly.

"I'm fine! How's my tomboy?" Sun Jian answered while she kissed him on the cheek.

She then kissed her mother's cheek. "Oh, Shang Xiang, you're as beautiful as ever!" Old lady Sun (whose real name I don't know) beamed as Shang Xiang smiled, kissing once more.

Then she embraced her brothers tightly.

"I missed you guys so much!" she exclaimed, jabbing Sun Quan.

"And we did too, sis!" Sun Ce said.

Just standing there Liu Bei wondered if they were really as evil as he thought they were. They seemed like a loving family.

After Shang Xiang finished her greetings, she presented Liu Bei to her family.

"This is Liu Bei." she said, cuddling him.

"Oh, he looks like a real gentleman." Old lady Sun complimented, "Right, Jian?"

Sun Jin muttered something inaudible.

"Right, Jian!" Old Lady Sun repeated, smacking her husband's rib with her elbow.

"Ow!" he yelped, holding his sore ribs. His wife just eyed him with an expression of, if- you-don't-agree-I'll-do-it-again. "Yes, dear wife…" he muttered through clenched teeth, "He is…"

"Well, no use staying out here, Liu Bei." Sun Ce said, ushering him into the house. Shang Xian followed him into the mansion along with Liu Bei's _bodyguards_.

"I thought you hated him!" Sun Quan whispered into Ce's ear as the latter was about to enter the mansion. "I know! I'm just getting ready for our plan." Ce whispered in reply.

Old Lady Sun looked at them. "Ce, Quan? What are you doing standing in front of the doorway idly?" she asked, suspicious of them.

"Oh you know, mom." Sun Ce replied, sweating heavily, "We were…uhh… talking about how lovely you look tonight!"

"Or how she looks more like a vampire…" Sun Jian muttered under his breath.

"What was that Jian?"

"I was just agreeing with them, dear wife!"

"Good, you better."

After things had settled down, Sun Ce and Sun Quan sneaked out to the library once more, where they met up with Zhou Yu.

"Well, everyone's preparing for the banquet tonight." Sun Quan reported, locking the door behind him, "Unfortunately, father was forced by mother to get ready for the banquet.

"Then we'll just have to begin without pop." Sun Ce replied, "Now, is everybody ready?"

Zhou Yu nodded, "I have completed all the arrangements at the present."

A malicious grin spread upon Sun Ce's face. "Good, now let operation get rid of Liu Bei commence! MWAHAHA! MWAHAHA! MWAHAHA! MWAHAHA!" Sun Ce laughed evilly, "MWAHAHA! MWAHAHA!"

"You can stop laughing now, Ce…" Zhou Yu muttered.

"Oh, okay…"

**Will the Suns' plans to get rid of Liu Bei succeed? Will the banquet go on well? Will Liu Bei be able to save himself from the devious plot?**

**All will be answered in Chapter two!**


	2. Dinner Disaster at Wu's Banquet Hall

**Here's chapter two for you! The plans finally come into action. Also, I want to say that for those who have been wondering where the Qiaos are in this fanfic, well, in upcoming chapters, Sun Ce and Zhou Yu will have their first encounter with them. I really want to my express gratitude for telling me that Old Lady Sun is really Lady Wu. Now I don't have to call her Old Lady Sun! And thanks for all the reviews guys! But the review that said that the plan was stolen from Ce himself is starting to worry me…**

**Disclaimer:** **I don't own Dynasty Warriors.**

**Meet the Suns**

**Chapter II: Dinner Disaster at Wu's Banquet Hall**

**Summary: Sun Shang Xiang and Liu Bei are engaged and now Liu Bei has to meet her family before the wedding. However, the Suns don't seem to like the new family addition at all. Will Liu Bei survive the hellish week? **

Wu's banquet hall was extraordinary.

It was a colossal dining room with turquoise walls, lined by pillars of the same material. The floor on the other hand was made of gleaming white marble. While on the ceiling there hung a large crystal chandelier that shined so brightly.

The long rectangular dinning table stretched through most of the room. It was made of the best red wood. And there was glass covering the surface, because Lady Wu really liked the table and didn't want it to be ruined.

The chairs were padded with soft and comfortable red satin cushions.

Liu Bei's jaw dropped as he sat down. Everything was so beautiful.

Sun Jian sat at the head of the table, flanked by Lady Wu and Sun Ce. Curiously, there were two empty seats after them on both sides. Then Shang Xiang sat in front of Liu Bei beside Zhuge Liang and Zhao Yun. While Guan Yu and Zhang Fei sat in front of each other. The rest of the table was taken up by the Wu generals.

"Ce, where's your brother and your little friend?" Lady Wu asked.

"Quan and Zhou Yu? Well, they're getting ready…" Sun Ce replied, playing with his chopsticks, "Yeah, chopstick, you think you can beat me, the soup spoon?"

Sun Quan and Zhou Yu were getting ready, but for something else…

A lot of servants were going in and out of the kitchen, brining in ingredients for the chefs who were cooking dinner for the banquet.

Stopping one of them, Zhou Yu picked a particular bowl of noodles and instructed the servant to give it to Liu Bei. Then he handed it to Sun Quan.

"What me to do with this, Zhou Yu?" he asked, staring at the bowl.

"I need you to place some rat poison into this." Zhou Yu instructed.

"Rat poison? But Liu Bei is a human, shouldn't we use human poison? This will have no effect…" Sun Quan protested.

"But it causes internal hemorrhage, so I doubt that anyone can survive. Besides, there's no such thing as human poison. No one is crazy enough to purchase that or manufacture it to say the least." Yu replied, throwing a black sack on the table, "The poison is in here. I need to do something else with the food."

Quan nodded and scanned through the sack, while Zhou Yu went off to sabotage the dinner.

"Hmm…There are no labels…" Sun Quan murmured, picking up a bottle. "Laxatives…hmm…that must be the scientific name or something for rat poison."

He shrugged and opened the bottle, dumping mounds of it into the food.

Meanwhile, Liu Bei sat looking at the Suns nervously. He felt a slightly suspicious atmosphere with them, especially from the large man standing behind Sun Jian. "Can I just ask who that large man behind you is?" Liu Bei inquired, tensely pointing to the scary-looking man behind Sun Jian.

"Are you speaking of him? Oh, he's Huang Gai, my personal bodyguard." Sun Jian answered as Huang Gai grunted. He was bewildered as to why Liu Bei looked so nervous. Then, it struck him. A malicious grin spread upon his face. "Yes and did I mention that Huang Gai is not a very social person? He completely hates people, well except for me and my family. He crushes human skulls with his bear hands! Isn't that sweet?"

Shang Xiang looked at her father, "Really, dad? I never knew that about Huang Gai."

The bodyguard himself looked confused until Sun Jian whispered into his ear.

"Right, I hate people!" Huang Gai growled, glaring at Lu Xun at the end of the table. The young strategist yelped and held onto Lu Meng who was seated beside him.

"Why is Huang Gai acting like an ogre tonight?" Lu Xun asked, keeping his voice to a whisper. "He's merely acting." Lu Meng explained, "It's just supposed to scare Liu Bei." Shrugging off the frightening death glare, Lu Xun turned back to see what was going on.

The food had finally come in and everyone began to eat.

They all looked delectable and mouth watering. Even the scarlet wine was quite nice to look sample. It had been made out of Wu's best grapes.

"Ce, where's your brother and that friend of yours?" Lady Wu asked.

Sun Ce looked anxiously at the doors to the kitchen. "Don't worry, mother. They'll be here soon. But while they're not here, I'll entertain you with a funny story!" Ce was merely trying to divert his mother's attention from the on-going scheme.

On the other hand, Liu Bei was looking again and again at Huang Gai who glared at Liu Bei furiously. He gulped when he noticed Huang Gai pick something up from the dinner table. "What is Huang Gai doing, Lord Jian?" Liu Bei asked, twitching nervously. The Tiger of Jiang Dong looked at his muscular bodyguard for awhile and then turned back to slurping his soup. "Oh, he's making a statuette out of the peas." he answered in between loud slurps, "Wow, this is good!"

Liu Bei looked with interest as Huang Gai finished the sculpture. The bodyguard looked at it admiringly. "He seems to be very artistic." Liu Bei complimented, gazing at the sculpture of peas, "Hey, that resembles me." Sure enough the peas were crafted into the very likeness of the Shu ruler. Huang Gai smiled at it.

Then he sent his fist flying down on the peas. Tiny green ball-like vegetables flew everywhere. It was a horrible pea massacre! The little green vegetables just flew around. Strangely though, Lady Wu didn't notice a thing while she listened to her son's distraction. Huang Gai pounded on the sculpture, disfiguring it. The scene was horrible complete with maniacal laughs and mashed peas flying everywhere. Liu Bei looked horrified. He shook Zhao Yun, "Zhao Yun, I don't feel safe." Liu Bei whispered, hiding behind his bodyguard.

Looking at Liu Bei, bewildered, Zhao Yun replied, "But my lord, there's nothing to fear, we are all here to protect you."

"Besides, if Wu is really trying anything devious, then I can tell from a mile away if their conceited strategist, Zhou Yu is up to anything. I doubt if any trickery they try can get past me." Zhuge Liang butt-in.

"Why must you always interrupt, Zhuge Liang?" Liu Bei murmured, glaring at his strategist who sometimes enjoyed pissing him off, "Speaking of conceited strategists, I don't think he's the only one around here." "I heard that."

Right then, Sun Quan and Zhou Yu entered the hall.

"Finally, you guys arrived!" Ce exclaimed joyfully, "What took you so long?"

With a devious smile, Yu answered, "Oh, we had some things to take care of."

The Tiger of Jiang Dong was still slurping his soup loudly. "You're both so late." Suddenly, Lady Wu stepped on his foot, "Yowch! What was that for?"

"That was for being a rude hooligan with no table manners whatsoever in front of our guest, Jian." Lady Wu murmured, staring at him. He then sat was tall as he could and sticking his stomach in and his chest out, Sun Jian picked up a tiny table spoon by his thumb and middle finger with refinement. He than took a tiny sip. "How was that, dear wife?" he asked through clenched teeth.

"That's much better, Jian."

Sometimes she was so scary, she made Lu Bu look like Barney the dinosaur. Sun Jian would love to see the big galoot take on his wife.

"Ce, why are there peas on the floor?" Sun Quan asked as he and Zhou Yu took the empty seats.

"Dad made Huang Gai throw a real bad tantrum." Ce explained, "Anyway, did you guys succeed?"

"We did, my lord." Zhou Yu answered, keeping his voice to a minimum to keep the others from hearing, "I trust that you put the rat poison, Lord Sun Quan?"

With a wink, Sun Quan nodded. "Yes, I put the _laxatives_ in the food."

"Laxatives; you want Liu Bei to take laxatives?" Sun Ce asked, skeptical.

Zhou Yu's face turned pale. He shook it off and then he stood up and smiled at Lady Wu who was silently enjoying the dinner. "Lady Wu, may Lord Sun Ce, Lord Sun Quan and I possibly be excused for a reasonably short time?" Zhou Yu asked gleaming with all the politeness and sophistication he could dish out.

"Yes you may." she muttered.

The two brothers looked at each other in relief. Asking their mother to be excused from the table was like playing Russian-roulette. If you were lucky then you could get off but if you weren't, then pray that your corpse will have nice resting place. They stood up, following Yu, who made a brief motion to Gan Ning who immediately stood up and followed quite perplexed.

Zhuge Liang stared at Zhou Yu with great suspicion. The Wu strategist frowned back at him with dagger eyes.

The four of them assembled at the men's restroom.

"Well, it seems that the ploy has taken a turn for the worse as Lord Sun Quan has mixed up the rat poison with laxatives." Yu started as he inspected the men's room, "No worries, for I will still see to it that Liu Be dies."

"You want to _kill_ Liu Bei?" Sun Ce asked in complete shock and horror.

"Yes, why, I thought that was the main goal of the plan."

"We're not trying to kill the man, Yu, come on; we're only trying to make sure that Shang Xiang doesn't marry him!"

"Why stop at that when we can completely eliminate him?"

"If he does die, my mom's gonna throw a fit and it'll be my head rolling. I want to kill him too, but this is my _mother_ we're talking about here. You know what she does to my pop, it'll be even worse if this stupid fiancé she likes gets killed?"

Ce pouted, folding his arms across his chest. He pursed his lips and gave Yu a face of a child that would not give up until he gets what he wants.

"Alright," Zhou Yu said, giving in, "If this plan fails, even if that if highly unlikely, then I will give up all thoughts of killing him and I shall then try to make him suffer. But for now, the goal is to kill him."

"I apologize, then." Sun Quan cut in, "It is entirely my fault that I mixed up rat poison with – laxatives – that estrange substance."

"Do not worry, my lords for I have a remedy for this – minor setback." Yu explained, turning to Gan Ning, "That's where you come in."

"What do ya want _me_ to do?" Gan Ning asked, looking at the others, puzzled.

"Knowing the effects of laxatives, I want you to booby-trap the cubicles."

"You're kidding." Gan Ning snapped.

"I'm not the type that enjoys jokes, general."

"Take it from me," Ce whispered to the pirate, "he's a real tight ass…"

Zhou Yu snorted, "I heard that. Anyway, I believe I must repeat that I'm not joking, besides if this plan does succeed, then Lady Wu shall be too grievous over Liu Bei to even remember your little mishap. And you do remember that incident, right?"

Looking thoughtfully at the ceiling, the memories just poured into Gan Ning.

_Crawling under a table, the pirate slowly made his way towards the doorway of the mess hall while dodging pieces of food flying everywhere. "Damn food fight…" Gan Ning cursed as he finally reached the exit. He was home free! He slammed the door open all the while dodging a stray noodle that flew in his direction. Then he ran out, screaming at the top of his lungs, "TO HELL WITH YOU ALL!" But as that fleeting moment of victory came, he collided into someone._

_Gan Ning looked at the person he bumped into and was horror-struck._

_It was Lady Wu._

"_I-I'm sorry, my lady!" Gan Ning stammered, staring at Lady Wu in a daze. Her face was red with rage._

_Half an hour of nagging, scolding and screaming, Gan Ning found himself scrubbing the toilets, cleaning the moat, washing all the floors in the estate, feeding the horses, cleaning their - manure and all house chores for two entire months._

With a loud sigh, Gan Ning looked back at the others, "Do I have a choice?"

They then returned to the dinning hall, leaving Gan Ning to his _work_.

Zhuge Liang soon became suspicious as the Wu generals came back. "Did all three of you generals need to go together at the same time? And what's strange is that you all came back at the same time." The Sleeping Dragon commented as they sat down, "By the way, where's Gan Ning?"

"I don't need to answer _you_." Ce teased, sticking his tongue out.

Suddenly, the servants came in the dining hall with the main course and noodles. Steam came out from the cracks of the dishes as they were set down on the table.

"It's about time. " Shang Xiang said, turning to Liu Bei, "Are you okay?" She looked worried.

The Shu ruler held an iron grip on Zhao Yun's arm while sucking his thumb. He was obviously still shaken after the pea assault. Liu Bei just nodded absent-mindedly, sucking his thumb even more as the poisoned bowl of noodles was placed before him.

"This is priceless!" Sun Jian whispered to Huang Gai who nodded in agreement, "I doubt if she respects him _now_." He laughed a bit to himself.

"Aw, you look so cute like that, Liu Bei!" beamed Shang Xiang embracing Liu Bei. The Shu ruler let go of Zhao Yun much to his bodyguard's relief, since the circulation in his arm had long been cut off.

The Tiger of Jiang Dong groaned softly upon seeing the scene. His plan had backfired.

"T-thanks, Shang Xiang…" the Shu ruler muttered, as she let go.

Then at that moment, Gan Ning returned, "It's all finished, sirs." he whispered, "With what I have done, Liu Bei's not getting out of the bathroom alive." The pirate then hurried to his seat.

"What was that about, Gan Ning?" Lu Xun asked, watching Gan Ning as he sat down. The other generals eyed him too, awaiting an answer. With a smirk, Gan Ning just laughed, "Heh, you'll see."

Liu Bei then turned to his noodles. "They look bizarre." he commented quite perplexed.

"Yes, they're a special kind." Sun Quan lied, grinning.

"My lord," Zhuge Liang started, peeking at the noodles, "they look delectable indeed, but why don't you let your brothers taste it as well? I'm sure they will enjoy it as well and besides, it shows more brotherly bonding between you three."

Guan Yu and Zhang Fei looked at each other and shrugged.

"Alright then, here it is." Liu Bei said, passing his bowl. Guan Yu and Zhang Fei tasted it. "Wow, this s good!" they exclaimed, gulping down the rest of the food. "What's in this stuff?" Zhang Fei hollered, sucking the noodles like vacuum.

"What are those savages doing?" Zhou Yu asked, horrified. Sun Ce was beside himself with rage. "Damn it! At the rate they're going, that moron's not going to eat a bit of the laxatives!" he cursed.

When the two brothers finished, the table was a mess and Lady Wu was not happy. "What rude servants…" she murmured to herself, thinking wrongly of whom Guan Yu and Zhang Fei were.

Zhang Fei burped loudly. "Oops."

"Ah, that was actually delicious." Guan Yu muttered, rubbing his belly which had bulged out of proportion. Liu Bei looked on at them in shock, "Never mind, I wasn't hungry anyway…"

Suddenly, a loud rumbling sound echoed throughout the dining hall. It seemed to come from the bowels of Guan Yu and Zhang Fei's now bloated stomachs. "I feel weird…" Zhang Fei moaned, standing up with Guan Yu, "Can we use the little general's room?"

"Sure, it's just down the hall." Shang Xiang said.

"Damn it, are they going to where I think they're going?" Gan Ning cursed, sinking down his chair. Lu Meng looked at him, suspicious. "What's wrong?" "I booby-trapped the bathrooms…"

"Isn't that a good thing?" Lu Xun asked.

"Of course not, "Gan Ning snapped, "They're fierce fighters, so definitely, there's going to be big commotion."

Later on, the two brothers were doing their…erm…business…

"Oh there, it's coming out…" Zhang Fei sighed. He then looked down at the bowl, "Wheew! That one there's a doozie!" All of a sudden, a low growl sounded from the toilet bowl. "What the-"

Meanwhile, Guan Yu had just finished. He was whistling a merry tune while washing his hands. Then, one of the cubicles burst open and water gushed out along with Zhang Fei who was wrestling a gigantic crocodile in his underpants. The large reptile struggled against the might of Zhang Fei who held its jaws shut. Its large tail was swishing around, splashing water about.

"Zhang Fei, I'll help you take down that dirty urinal containment unit beast!" Guan Yu exclaimed, jumping on the crocodile. They beat its head with their bare fists and smacked it with toilet seats.

Walking into banquet hall while they were dirty and dripping wet, Guan Yu and Zhang Fei murmured some words and sat down.

"Wow, your _activity_ seems _difficult_," Zhao Yun commented, "you should chew more thoroughly the next time you eat, generals."

"Yes, you two looked like you wrestled an alligator." Liu Bei said.

"But it looks more like a crocodile attack to me." The Sleeping Dragon mentioned, as they two brothers grunted in reply.

Gan Ning sighed heavily, "That crocodile was so difficult to get in…"

"Gan Ning, Gan Ning, Gan Ning…" Lu Meng murmured, "You don't need a 12 foot crocodile to succeed."

"Yeah, you need a 20 foot whale." Taishi Ci added.

"No, I think he needs a 15 foot tiger." Lu Xun suggested.

"That's not the point!" Lu Mrng exclaimed, "My point is that we can use Fire."

"Fire; Lu Meng, have you become influenced by Lu Xun?" Taishi C asked, terrified.

"No, Fire is the name of Lu Xun's pet rodent."

"Rod – what?" Gan Ning questioned.

"Oh right, my pet mouse." The young strategist dug around his pocket. He pulled out a tiny white mouse with bright orange eyes. He then set it on his lap. "What do you want Fire to do?"

Lu Meng then held Fire by the tail and set him down on the floor.

"I need Fire to create havoc. I heard somewhere that females are frightened of rodents. If Shang Xiang and Lady Wu start screaming or panicking and Liu Bei messes up trying to help out, he will be shamed. That should set Liu Bei straight."

Little Fire scurried under the table.

"Hey, Lu Xun, what's that on your lap? Chocolate?" Gan Ning asked. The young strategist looked down, "Oh, curses, Fire has excreted his wastes on me again!" Lu Xun lamented, flicking the _chocolate_ off.

"He did _what_ on you?"

"Fire pooped on me!"

After making it through a crowd of feet, Fire crawled onto Lady Wu's foot. She looked under the table and shrieked, "THERE'S A RAT!"

Shang Xiang looked surprised, "There's a rat under the table?"

Everyone stood up and backed away in a hurry.

Huang Gai grabbed a chair and smashed it on the floor completely missing Fire. "Zhou Tai, help Hang Gai kill that rat!" Sun Quan yelled, as him bodyguard tried to step on poor Fire who became flustered and began to scurry about even more. As Sun Quan's bodyguard grabbed at Fire, the mouse retaliated with a powerful bite.

"Fire's going to be killed!" Lu Xun exclaimed, tugging on Lu Meng.

Liu Bei watched the mouse run in between the feet of the two bodyguards who were trying their best to smash him with dining utensils and more chairs. Lady Wu was more horrified with the damages rather than Fire.

Bits of porcelain and wood flew around everywhere as Zhou Tai and Huang Gai turned the banquet into a demolition derby. "Eat chair, you bubonic vermin!" Huang Gai yelled, smashing another chair.

"Zhao Yun, get the mouse!" Liu Bei ordered. The Shu bodyguard nodded in obedience and he dove down under the table. Fire ran about the floor but after crawling about, Zhao Yun seized him by the back of the neck. "There we go." he said, standing up.

Lu Xun ran up to Zhao Yun, "I will take care of it." he said, snatching Fire. Then he secretly placed it in his pocket.

Staring at the wreckage that Fire had cause, Sun Jian spoke up, "I guess dinner's over."

After the mess, everyone retired to their bedrooms.

Liu Bei went to his room which was much to the Wu generals' joy far away from Shang Xiang, his brothers or Zhuge Liang. But Zhao Yun insisted on staying in the hallway.

Not so far from there, Sun Ce, Zhou Yu and Sun Quan were staking out, behind a corner. "Man, doesn't he ever sleep?" Ce whined.

"Have patience, my lord." Zhou Yu said, "Before this night is over Liu Bei will be dead."

"What did I say about killing him?" Ce snapped, "You have serious issues, Zhou Yu."

"Anyway, we better begin planning. After all the mishaps tonight, we can now say that it will be difficult to get rid of Liu Bei" Sun Quan cut in.

Sun Ce then pointed at the doorway. "Liu Bei, you're not going to get away so easily!"

**Will Liu Bei and the Shu generals be able to survive the night? What nefarious schemes will await them? And will Zhao Yun ever sleep? All will be answered in the next chapter!**

**To be continued…**


	3. Unplesant Dreams

**I've finally updated this fanfic! Well, I have a lot of fanfics to work on but ever since I saw this certain movie, I got compelled to write again. I hope you enjoy!**

**Disclaimer:** **I don't own Dynasty Warriors, but I own Lu Xun's pet mouse, Fire.**

**Meet the Suns**

**Chapter III: Unpleasant Dreams**

**Summary: Sun Shang Xiang and Liu Bei are engaged and now Liu Bei has to meet her family before the wedding. However, the Suns don't seem to like the new family addition at all. Will Liu Bei survive the hellish week? **

The bedroom was fancier than Liu Bei had ever seen. The bed could fit twp horses and it took up less than half the room. The room was draped with red cloth everywhere everything was red.

Liu Bei pulled up his blanket over himself and laid his head on his pillow. "I shouldn't worry." he sighed, "The Suns are good people! And besides, Zhao Yun is outside, I'm as safe as safe can be. I mean, there's no danger with eberyone! Everyone is so good, why am I so frightened anyway? Hah, it's probably just the pressure of making a good impression or something…There is nothing to worry about!"

As he closed his eyes, the door suddenly opened. "Umm…my lord there's -?" Zhao Yun's voice came. Liu Bei thought it was just his bodyguard checking on him, but it wasn't.

"Alright, move over, Liu Bei."

The Shu ruler sat up and turned to his side to see Sun Jian in his pajamas with a blanket trailing on the floor and a pillow tucked under his armpit. "I-I don't understand." Liu Bei stammered as Sun Jian sat on his bed.

"Well, tonight, I'm going to sleep beside you." Sun Jian answered, putting his pillow on the bed, "My wife wants to see to it that you're safe tonight, but I want to see that my daughter is…"

"What was that? I didn't understand."

"Uh, I said that I hope you and my daughter are safe tonight." Sun Jian lied while he lied down beside Liu Bei, "By the way, I snore, so don't get too shocked."

Liu Bei then asked him, "Is there anything else you do?"

The Tiger of Jiang Dong laughed as he pulled his sheets up, "Sure, there are!"

Outside, danger was lurking for Liu Bei…

Sun Ce's eye lids felt heavier and heavier by the second, "Man, does this guy ever sleep?" he whined, yawning after.

"You must have fortitude, Lord Sun Ce!" Zhou Yu told him, "We must endure this until the ample opportunity to strike presents itself."

Sun Quan nodded, "Yes, brother, this is your plan so you must spearhead this with strength!"

But the Little Conqueror was snoring loudly and drooling when they turned to him.

With a sigh the other two turned to look at the doorway, "When will that bodyguard ever sleep?" Sun Quan asked angrily, "It seems that we will end up waiting here for hours if he just stays there…"

Just then a spark lit up in Zhou Yu's eye, "I have an idea!" he exclaimed happily, "What if we use a distraction to lure him away from the doorway? We can sneak in while he goes to look at it."

"But how do we do that? Hmm…"

Meanwhile, all the other Wu generals were thinking about the situation as well.

After the little dinner incident, most of the generals were more than angry at Liu Bei.

"Your little plan backfired, Lu Meng…" Gan Ning grunted as he spat on the ground, "You just made that fool look like a hero!"

Lu Meng frowned, folding his arms across his chest, "Even you have slipped up Gan Ning. Your bathroom trap has failed as well."

The two eyed each other and pouted.

"Please, generals, we can try once more…" Lu Xun said, as he petted Fire who was on his lap.

"Hey, guys, come on, even if you're both as smart as a sack of door knobs, I have a sure fire plan to make it all work."

They looked at the speaker who was the general, Ling Tong.

"Oh yeah, ya think you're all that, eh, Ling Tong, I'd love to see you try." Gan Ning jeered.

"Is that a dare, Gan Ning?" Ling Tong asked, grinning, "I'll be happy to take it."

The two glared at each other.

Sun Jian had fallen fast asleep but Liu Bei could not.

Liu Bei stared at Sun Jian's feet which were now on his chest. "He moves around much…" Liu Bei sighed. The Tiger of Jiang Dong had moved all the way to the other end of the bed and he was snoring more noisily than anyone Liu Bei had ever heard. "So this is why they called him the Tiger of Jiang Dong…he sounds like one in his sleep."

Snoring loudly, Sun Jian turned towards Liu Bei and moved his right foot up into Liu Bei's chin. Then he hugged the Shu Ruler's feet and suddenly began to drool on them.

"How am I going to be able to get through this night?" Liu Bei lamented, trying to push Sun Jian's feet away.

Just then there was a loud crash outside. Liu Bei tried to get up to see what it was but he did not want to wake Sun Jian up.

"I'm sure Zhao Yun will see what caused that sound…"

But that sound was the distraction…

The door creaked open and someone walked in. Liu Bei wasn't worried though, knowing that it was probably just Zhao Yun.

The person sneaked to his bedside, "Zhao Yun, what are you doing?" But then the door opened wide and light was shed into the room. The person looked shocked and dove down to the floor. Liu Bei tried to raise his head.

"My lord, some kind of force knocked down a vase nearby and I went to check on it. Are you alright even if I have left you for awhile?" Zhao Yun asked, as he entered the room.

"There's something on the floor!" Liu Bei exclaimed, "I d-don't know what is it, but it dove under."

The Shu general nodded and bent down to look around, "There's nothing here…Maybe you were just dreaming, my lord. You should really get to sleep." He then stood up and bowed to Liu Bei, "I shall return to my post." Then he went outside.

"Will you be able to sleep with him drooling?" Zhao Yun asked, before he shut the door, "I couldn't say no when he told me that he was going to sleep with you."

"I can sleep…" Liu Bei said, waving Zhao Yun off as his bodyguard closed the door, "Hopefully…"

The distraction had well worked but there was more trouble coming that way.

"What's taking Quan so long?" Ce whined, rubbing his eyes, "I'm sleepy, I'm bored, I'm thirsty, I'm grumpy, I'm hungry and that freak is still awake…"

Zhou Yu rolled his eyes. "Lord Sun Quan must be setting up the trap as we speak. Please try to stay up."

The Little Conqueror moaned, shutting his eyes once more. "But I'm so damn sleepy…" Then he fell upon Zhou Yu's shoulder, drooling. "My lord, please wake up or we'll miss the opportunity to attack!" his strategist snapped, pushing Sun Ce off but to no avail, "Does everyone in your family drool or is it just you and your father?"

Then Sun Ce's crushing weight fell on top of Zhou Yu, "AGH! Get off me!"

"Geez, get a room, Lord Sun Ce." Ling Tong snickered, as the other generals followed him.

Lu Xun looked at them curiously, then his face turned red after a few minutes, "Oh, I never knew that you and…"

A gagging sound came from Gan Ning, "Oh man, you two are sick." he sneered, holding his hands in front of Lu Xun's eyes, "This is ain't for your eyes, little man."

"Oh for heaven's sake, he fell asleep and he just happened to fall upon me…Ugh, his weight is crushing my bones…"

An ear to ear grin spread on the pirates face as he kept his hands over Lu Xun's eyes, "Maybe that's what you want us to think! You sirs should be more discreet about this ya know."

"Get him off me!" Zhou Yu barked, "He's crushing me."

"What are you both doing here anyway?" Lu Meng asked.

"We were trying to get in, but that bodyguard has been blocking the way. Lord Sun Quan got in, but he has yet to come out." Zhou Yu explained as they removed the sleeping Sun Ce from him. "What are _you_ doing here?"

The Little Conqueror sat up abruptly, "Hey, who woke me up!" he snarled, raising his fist at them.

"We just moved you, my lord." Lu Meng answered as Sun Ce sat up, grumbling curses at them. "Why are you guys here anyway?" Ce asked, standing up.

"Well, I got a little plan here myself and now here we are." Ling Tong answered, showing him a large sack, "And the plan's in here."

"A plan, huh? Ooh, that sounds fun!" Sun Ce exclaimed delighted, "Let's try it."

"Actually, Ling Tong has yet to explain it to us…" Lu Xun answered, folding his arms across his chest, "What's the plan?"

The Wu general gave a laugh, "Since you guys are smart asses and all, I doubt you guys could think of something as simple as my plan. It seems you complicate things too much." Ling Tong said, "I'm the master of pranks so I have no silly chain to my scheme, but it _is_ the perfect prank."

He motioned them to follow him to the back of the hall where the wall to Liu Bei's room was situated. They all watched with bewilderment as Ling Tong crouched down and pulled a small knife from the sack. He started carving a small hole into the wall. Then he put his hand in the sack once more and pulled out a large python.

"Where'd you get that _thing_?" Gan Ning sneered, as Ling Tong placed the reptile on the floor.

"I found it in the garden."

"You found it in the garden?" Sun Ce asked, horrified, "I better call an exterminator."

"Now we just let the little bugger into the room."

"What! That thing could kill Liu Bei and if he dies it'll be my head rolling." Sun Ce whined, pouting.

Lu Xun cleared his throat. "Actually that is a Reticulated Python," the young strategist explained, "Its scientific name is _python reticulatus_. It can reach a length of 33 feet, but it is not venomous noe does it have fangs. So there's nothing to fear in fact."

"However," Zhou Yu cut-in, "Because they have neither venom nor fangs pythons kill their prey by constricting them until they suffocate. If it gets around Liu Bei's neck then he's a dead man which isn't such a bad thing."

"No big ass worm is killing him! My mother will strangle me if she finds out!" Sun Ce protested, throwing his arms down.

"Yeah, she's scarier than the snake." Gan Ning murmured.

"Don't worry, I trained him not to strangle people. You can even put him around your neck without worry, see?" Ling Tong said, shoving the python in their faces making Lu Xun jump back.

"How do you know it's male?" Lu Meng asked, raising his eye brow.

"Of course, isn't it obvious? You look at his little-"

"Okay! That's too much information, Ling Tong…" Gan Ning snapped, "Just put it into the hole."

Shrugging, Ling Tong let the giant python into the hole and watched it slither into the room

Too bad Liu Bei never saw it coming…

Letting out a sigh, the sleepless Liu Bei just looked up at the ceiling, shutting his eyes. He was dead tired and even if it was difficult to sleep, he had to try. And soon he could feel his eyes shut until the morning sun rose. That was until he felt something crawl up his torso. At first Liu Bei thought it was Sun Jian's leg or something, but no, it seemed heavier than that. And there was a weird sound which Liu Bei couldn't make out. It wasn't snoring though.

Irritated by the object as it rested itself on his chest, Liu Bei opened his eyes to see a large python resting on his chest, hissing.

"S-s-snake…" Liu Bei muttered under his breath as it slithered closer towards his neck. He was too frightened to move or smack it off his body. He couldn't even scream out to Zhao Yun who was just outside. His heart beat rapidly. It was as if his heart was about to burst.

The snake hissed at him as it moved towards his face and soon its tongue was touching his nose. Liu Bei was tremendously frightened as it hissed louder. "Nice s-snake…" Liu Bei whispered trying to coax it away.

"Umph." Sun Jian grumbled, kicking at Liu Bei. Then the Tiger of Jiang Dong moved about and kicked the python off Liu Bei who gave out a deep sigh.

The python was unfazed by the kick and it just slithered under the bed.

It slithered right where Sun Quan was hiding…

Sun Quan sighed, dropping his head to the floor. When Zhao Yun came in the room, he had dived beneath the bed. However, his father was weighing down on the bed and he was stuck beneath it. Suddenly he heard hissing and raised his head to see the python coiling itself around his arm.

"**SNAKE!**" he cried, jumping up only to hit the bed.

"Liu Bei, stop moving…" Sun Jian muttered in his sleep, feeling Sun Quan ram into his back.

When Sun Quan looked at his arm, it was thankfully gone.

Upon hearing the turmoil within, the Wu generals outside decided to bring the python back out.

"Well, I never really thought about that…" Ling Tong said.

"Then let's use live bait!" Lu Meng suggested.

"No way I'm going to put my hand in there for that scaled freak to crush!" the pirate snarled, holding his precious hand away from Lu Meng.

Rubbing his temples, Lu Meng sighed, "I meant Fire."

"Fire; Lu Meng, oh no, you're becoming Lu Xun!" Sun Ce wailed.

"I meant Lu Xun's pet mouse!"

"Oh, so that mouse during dinner was you then?" Zhou Yu confirmed, eyeing them,"I should've known."

Then to this he added, "Such an unprepared and reckless plan it was if I do say so myself…"

"I haven't seen any of _your_ plans work yet!" Gan Ning sneered, "But it _was_ kinda thoughtless if ya ask me…"

Reluctantly, Lu Xun drew Fire from his pocket, "But what if it – I mean _he_ eats Fire?" he asked, handing Fire to Lu Meng.

Then Lu Meng proceeded to dig around his pocket for something, "Aha! Here!" He tied a piece of string around Fire and placed the white mouse gently into the hole. "We can pull Fire back anytime now, so he'll be safe. I'll look through the hole to see what's going on."

So then little Fire scurried through the room.

"Well, where is he?"

Lu Meng looked into the hole, "I don't see him…Wait! Aha! There he is! Uh oh…"

"What? Is Fire eaten? Is he dead?" Lu Xun asked frantically.

"No, Fire's licking Liu Bei's feet!"

The Shu Ruler tried to go back to sleep again, thinking that the python must be dead with Sun Jian's powerful kick. But he felt a ticklish sensation at his feet, so he opened his eyes and raised his head a bit, seeing Fire at his feet.

"Wu seems to be fond of pets…" Liu Bei moaned, trying to move his feet to make Fire go away. But the white mouse didn't even budge, so Liu Bei moved his foot more, knocking Fire into Sun Jian's open mouth. "Uh oh…"

Lu Meng flinched, "Umm…Lord Sun Ce has your father ever tasted rat?"

"No, he never did, why?"

"Fire's in his mouth…"

"**WHAT!**" everyone screamed in unison.

"Lu Meng, pull Fire out!" Gan Ning yelled, slapping Lu Meng's shoulder. "I can't!" Lu Meng groaned, "The string seemes to be stuck in Lord Sun Jian's teeth!"

Fire tired to crawl out if Sun Jian's mouth, but the slippery saliva kept making him slip back into the Tiger's gaping mouth. Liu Bei began to panic.

There was no other alternative so he kicked Sun Jian awake.

The Tiger of Jiang Dong sat up making Fire fall into the bed. Then Lu Meng pulled on the string sending Fire back to safety. "I-I'm s-sorry! B-but t-there was a…" Liu stammered, as a half-asleep Sun Jian faced him.

"Umph…Five minutes, dear wife…" Sun Jian murmured, falling back asleep. He then held Liu Bei's feet and started to drool on them.

"What a sound sleeper he is…" Liu Bei sighed as he closed his eyes once more, "How I wish I were too…"

Lu Xun petted and snuggled a frightened, shaky and _wet_ Fire, "It's okay, Fire…" he said, placing Fire on his hat. "Lord Lu Meng, you cannot risk Fire again like that!"

"Sorry, sorry…" Lu Meng muttered.

"So how are we gonna get that snake out, huh?" Sun Ce asked, looking at everyone around them.

"Well, I have a plan, Lord Sun Ce." Zhou Yu said, "If we can get something sticky into the room and the snake happens to slither over it, which is most likely considering its size, we could drag it out, using Lu Meng's string."

Gan Ning raised his hand up, "I have something sticky!" the pirate said, "I'll go get it from my room!"

Minutes later, Gan Ning came back with his hands cupped, "Here, I got these from some flowers. They tasted good, it must be those nectar thingies right? Well, it's really sticky!"

Zhou Yu looked at the sticky substance in the pirate's hands, "Gan Ning, that's pollen drop. It is a sticky substance that's excreted by the ovule of a female cone bearing plant during it's…ahem…_reproduction_…"

The other Wu generals snickered upon hearing this.

The pirate looked sickened by this, "I better call a doctor in the morning…" he moaned.

They placed the pollen drop on some blank scroll and pushed it into the room using Lu Meng's glaive cause it was the longest thing that they had.

Just then they felt something heavy on the trap.

It wasn't the snake.

Sun Quan's hand fell on the pollen drops and when he looked at it he tried to shake it off but it was extremely sticky.

"Whoa, man, this snake is heavy!" Gan Ning exclaimed, tugging on the string, "It won't budge!"

"I'll help you!" Ling Tong offered, pulling the string as well, "Oh man, he _is_ heavy!"

"Come on, I'll show you two how to do it!" Sun Ce exclaimed, helping them pull the string, but to no avail. "Damn, Ling Tong, what do you feed this thing?"

Lu Meng helped them pull it as well, "Ye gods, maybe it swallowed Liu Bei!"

"Alright, let's give it one good tug on three." Sun Ce said, "One, two…**THREE**!"

The four Wu generals pulled as hard as they could that they all fell back as a hand popped out the hole.

Lu Xun and Zhou Yu jumped back, "T-the snake must've swallowed the pollen drops!" Lu Xun gasped, "And Liu Bei as well, they pulled him back out of its stomach!"

"It's me, Lu Xun!" a voice called from the other side of the wall.

"Wait, that's Lord Sun Quan," Zhou Yu said, "I forgot that he went into the room. I guess his hand must've touched the pollen drops."

"Quan, pull your hand out and move it!" Sun Ce barked.

"That's the problem. I can't do it…" Sun Quan said, "My hand is stuck in the hole."

Zhou Yu sighed heavily, "I guess we'll have to amputate…"

"You want to cut his hands off?" Ling Tong asked, shocked.

"You're insane!" Gan Ning shouted.

"I don't think that's such a good idea…" Sun Quan gulped, thinking of his poor hand.

"Can I keep his hand?" Sun Ce asked, looking at his brother's hand. With glee "I could scare little girls away with it!"

"Isn't there another way?" Lu Xun asked, getting Fire from his hat and petting him.

Then the older strategist gave a chuckle, "I was jesting, I just wanted to see your expressions! Of course there's another way!"

Sun Ce, Gan Ning and Ling Ting stared at him with dagger-eyes as he laughed.

Lu Meng nodded, "Just make the hole bigger." He suggested, folding his arms across his chest.

Obeying immediately, Ling Tong carved a bigger hole (I'm sure castle interior walls were thin back then, right? Fine, I'm only guessing…) and Sun Quan pulled his hand out much to his relief.

Then Gan Ning grabbed the knife and began to make the hole larger. "We gotta make the hole bigger so that Lord Sun Quan can get out through it, there's no way he can get out of the main door with that bodyguard on watch!" Gan Ning exclaimed, getting to his work. Chunks and strips of wood began to fly around. He worked on the wall like a machine, forgetting everything else except the job hand until he went totally nuts on it. Probably, this was the first step towards the invention of the chainsaw; _probably_.

"Yes, but a hole he could crawl through not a hole that's taller than he is!" Lu Meng retorted pointing to the gigantic hole in the wall which stood taller than any of the generals there.

Sun Quan walked out through the large hole and gasped seeing how large it was.

"Do you think anyone will notice?" Sun Ce asked, looking at the huge hole in the wall.

"We could always blame the termites…" Zhou Yu suggested then after he looked at the hole once more, he shook his head, "Nope, it's too obvious…"

Everyone gave out a sigh.

Lu Xun then spoke up, "Fear not, I think I may have a plan to throw the suspicion off our backs." Then Gan Ning slapped Lu Xun in the back, "I knew that we could always count on Lu Xun to come up with something!"

With that Sun Ce let out a sigh of relief, "Now, let's get to sleep. It's nearly dawn, damn, I'm **SLEEPY**!" he yawned, stretching his arms. With a shrug, the other officers nodded, and followed him off.

"But I just can't help thinking that we're forgetting something…" Ling Tong muttered.

Liu Bei tried to shake off all his worries and closed his eyes once more.

But he heard hissing once more and opened his eyes while his heart began to race once more. Then he saw the gigantic python coiled up on the one of the bedposts at his feet. It was hissing at him.

"Snake…" Liu Bei murmured as it slithered down the bed post and onto the bed.

But fate intervened and Sun Jian grabbed the python and stuffed it into his mouth, swallowing it whole. "What a lovely snack…" Sun Jian muttered in his sleep as the snake went down his throat. He must've been dreaming of eating. "So that's why he was drooling…" Liu Bei thought.

Liu Bei felt a little sickened, he even almost swallowed his own barf, but knowing that Sun Jian was eating the snake and the snake wasn't eating him comforted him. _Hardly_. He wondered who he pitied more, the snake or Sun Jian. There was a rotten and sickening feeling in the bowels of his stomach as he watched with horror the scene before him. He was so happy that Guan Yu and Zhang Fei ate the noodles for surely he would've thrown up.

But after an hour or two, Liu Bei finally fell asleep only to be awakened minutes later by loud gongs.

"**RISE AND SHINE EVERYBODY!**" Lady Wu screeched at the top of her lungs.

The Shu Ruler groaned.

And Zhao Yun did not sleep a wink much to everyone's surprise. Either that or he trained himself to sleep with his eyes open.

**What evil schemes await Liu Bei in the morning? Will he be able to survive them once more? Will Lady Wu find out about the plotting of the Wu officers because of the huge hole or will Lu Xun's plan succeed? And will Sun Jian get a stomach ache for eating the snake? **

**All will be answered in chapter four!**


	4. The Dangers of Quality Time

**The next chapter! Yay! I hope you like this one! I've been suffering from writers block for awhile, so yeah…**

**Disclaimer:** **Nope, I still don't own Dynasty Warriors.**

**Meet the Suns**

**Chapter IV: The Dangers of Quality Time **

**Summary: Sun Shang Xiang and Liu Bei are engaged and now Liu Bei has to meet her family before the wedding. However, the Suns don't seem to like the new family addition at all. Will Liu Bei survive the hellish week? **

The sun rose quickly and after breakfast, everyone had went their separate ways for the day.

Shang Xiang and Liu Bei were outside, lying on the grass. They were looking up at the bright blue sky which was adorned by cotton-like clouds. There was a cool breeze blowing outside.

"That one looks like…a bunny." Liu Bei said pointing up at a cloud.

"Oh, it does, it does!" Shang Xiang beamed, "My turn…let's see…Oh, look at that one!" She held his hand and pointed it at another cloud, "That one looks like two warriors stabbing each other in the gut with long, sharp swords! See? Look how mutilated and mangled their torsos look after that slash!"

Liu Bei just stared at her, shaken. She then looked at him and smiled. "Yes, like two warriors fighting each other…" he muttered weakly. Then she closed her eyes and laid her hands on her stomach, feeling the warm sunlight on her face.

"This is so much fun, Liu Bei!" she laughed, clasping the Shu ruler's hand.

He smiled at her and closed his eyes as well. Nothing could ruin the moment.

Just then a shadow came over Liu Bei. He opened one eye and saw Sun Jian bent over, staring at him. Huang Gai towered behind him.

"Oh! Good morning, L-lord Sun Jian!" the Shu ruler greeted.

"Just call me, dad!" the Tiger of Jiang Dong said, laughing.

"Erm…okay…_dad_…"

Shang Xiang opened her eyes and happily embraced her father. "Daddy, what are you doing here? I thought you had a stomach ache. You should really rest then!"

He shook his head, "It's not that bad anymore! It must've been something I ate last night…"Sun Jian told her, clutching his stomach.

Liu Bei felt like throwing up after he remembered just what Sun Jian had eaten.

"Anyway, I was just wondering if you'd like to go out to the countryside or something Liu Bei! You know, like a male bonding trip!" Sun Jian chuckled, slapping Liu Bei's back, "It will be fun!"

"Sure, _dad_…" Liu Bei answered. It felt strange and downright _wrong_ to call him that, but anyway, he could not refuse. It would be too impolite and besides he was frightened of Huang Gai who menacingly glared at Liu Bei.

"Great, I'll get everything ready then!" Sun Jian said, running off.

After that, Shang Xiang went and told her mother that she would pick up some friends of her own. If the males were going out, so was she and she wanted to introduce her two girl friends to the boys!

Liu Bei went to consult Zhuge Liang about the bonding trip.

"It seems rather suspicious, my lord." The Sleeping Dragon said as he and Liu Bei entered the library. The Shu ruler didn't like going around the palace because it seemed rather crude. But Zhuge Liang had insisted on talking there, because it needed to be in secret.

Liu Bei sat down on one of the chairs behind a bookcase. But as he did, he heard a strange farting sound. He looked at Zhuge Laing who was chuckling behind his feather fan.

"It was the chair!" he said, defensively.

"Yes, the chair indeed…" Zhuge Liang said, laughing as he pressed down on the seat with his finger to reveal a farting sound as well. The Sleeping Dragon refrained from sitting for good reasons.

Liu Bei sighed, "Well, what about the bonding trip?"

"Since there's a high chance that _something _could happen to you, my lord, I suggest that you take General Guan Yu, General Zhang Fei, General Zhao Yun and I along. After all…he said that it was a male bonding trip. Did he specify which males?"

"Actually…no…not really…" the Shu ruler answered, quite unsure of what to say.

"Then, problem solved!" Zhuge Liang laughed.

Meanwhile, Sun Jian consulted his sons of his plan.

"Great idea you have there, father!" Sun Quan exclaimed, clapping his hands at the thought. The Sun family was at he stables, getting their steeds ready for the trip. "Did he accept the offer?" he asked, while Zhou Tai led his horse out before him.

The Tiger of Jiang Dong chuckled, "Well, of course he did!"

"Well, we should not get too cocky yet, my lords…" Zhou Yu interrupted as he held the reigns of Sun Ce's white stallion while the latter mounted.

Sun Ce snorted, "You're a worrywart. Did you know that?"

The strategist grimaced, then he turned to face the other Suns, "As I was saying…Zhuge Liang will most definitely advice Liu Bei not to go alone and he will probably accompany him…"

"Damn it!" Sun Jian cursed, snapping his fingers, "But would he dare bring his muscle pack along?"

"He probably wouldn't…considering that would be insulting…" Sun Quan commented as Zhou Tai helped him up his horse, "And maybe we could try to get rid off him there…"

"You too, Quan?" Sun Ce lamented, "We can't just kill him off! Don't forget about mom!"

Sun Quan shook his head, "I meant kick him out of Wu, dear brother…In any case, let's bring Huang Gai, Zhou Tai, Lu Xun and Ling Tong for good measure. Hopefully, Lu Xun already gave our cover up for the the hole in the wall."

The Tiger eyes his son suspiciously. "What hole are you talking about?"

"Hole? Who said hole?" Sun Ce laughed, "Quan said MOLE. You know the one on Ling Tong's face! Like, duh!"

Sun Jian laughed, "Of course! I knew that!"

The other two Suns sighed with relief. If their father knew about the snake incident, they would've gotten in tons of trouble. Zhou Yu looked a little nervous at that time. He had just remembered about Lady Wu, but Lu Xun would take care of that so there was no problem.

An hour passed and some of the males of Wu and Liu Bei and his party were at the forest outskirts of the estate.

"Damn, he brought his bodyguards along after all…" Sun Jian grumbled to himself.

Liu Bei smiled to himself. The morning had gone without much trouble and he started to trust the Suns and since he didn't expect the snake from the generals, so he was in a good mood that time.

His strategist on the other hand, vigilantly looked at their surroundings; he was more than certain that Wu would try something.

"Hey, did you do you-know-what?" Ling Tong whispered to Lu Xun.

The young strategist raised his brow, "What are you talking about?"

"Lady Wu? Did you trick her yet about the wall? It's not that hard to notice, ya know."

The boy smiled, "O-of course I did!" he said, knowing he was lying at the back of his head. Damn! Lu Xun had just forgotten about that, since he had overslept. They _were_ up all night. He yawned. The best thing to do now was to keep quiet and hope the other generals could manage. Lu Xun did not want to get shouted after all!

After riding deep into the forest, they all dismounted.

The forest was dark as many of the trees grew so tall, their branches roofed the bottom. Some sunlight managed to pas through the many leaves. There were many bushes that surrounded the taller plants.

Taking in a deep breath, Zhang Fei burped, obviously deeply intoxicated with booze. "Nothing like a day in the forest with all the animal crap and deadly poisons!" he laughed, hiccupping occasionally. Guan Yu smacked him. "Brother! Don't say that out loud! You know how much of a scaredy-cat, brother is.

"Who? Me? I'm not a fraidy-cat!" Zhang Fei protested, still hiccupping.

"Not you, our OTHER brother!" Guan Yu exclaimed.

"Right, you just do that and I'll go hit on your pretty pink-haired friend, brother." The drunken general said.

"That's my horse."

Zhuge Liang sighed.

"Alright, listen up, everybody!" Sun Jian hollered, drawing everyone's attention, "The first order of business is a little hunt! Everyone gets a bow and arrow, we'll. Whoever is able to get the biggest game wins!"

Sen Ce and Sun Quan eyed their father as if he were an escaped lunatic. "Huh?"

Liu Bei gulped. "You mean...we actually have to kill the animals?" he asked, greatly horrified.

A grin snaked across Sun Jian's face. "Why, yes of course. And then we cook them!" the Tiger of Jiang Dong's exclaimed, looming over Liu Bei with a deranged look on his face. "And then we sink our teeth into their meat! Mwahaha!"

"Can I sit this one out?" Liu Bei asked, trembling.

"But you'll miss all the fun!" Sun Ce jeered, holding up his bow in arrows and aiming them at Liu Bei.

Suddenly, an arrow zipped by Liu Bei and hit the tree behind him. He let out a yelp and latched onto Zhao Yun.

Zhou Tai snorted. "Oops…my hand must've slipped." He murmured, throwing his bow to the ground. "It won't happen again…"

The bodyguard then got a wink from Sun Quan, "Good work!" he called out loud enough to be heard, "You've warmed our god friend, Liu Bei up!"

"I can't refuse you…" the Shu ruler wailed, dismayed by the turn of events.

Zhang Fei then cheered, "Wohoo! Yeah, it's party time! Let's beat on those darn critters till they're mangled and totally dead!"

There were malicious grins on all the Wu officers.

A few minutes later, everyone was armed with a bow and arrow and they had scattered all over the forest.

Ling Tong snickered from behind a bush. "This is going to be so much fun." he said. He looked back at Lu Xun who was dressing Huang Gai up in a bear suit. "Are you sure this will scare Liu Bei?" Lu Xun asked, doubtful, "Though I must admit…it IS very realistic you know…"

"I know. That's cause it's from a bear we skinned before." Ling Tong replied.

Lu Xun stepped back, disgusted.

Meanwhile, Sun Ce and Zhou Yu were setting up traps. "You are one demented mind, Zhou Yu…"Sun Ce muttered as he watched his friend place a bunch of leaves on top of a small hole. "And you're ridiculously fast at this sorta thing. I mean you bobby trapped the forest in minutes and you managed to fill that hole up with spikes!"

Zhou Yu just smiled, "Thank you for noticing my wonderful death talents, Ce. When you get a wife these talents shall come in handy…"

"What was that?"

"Oh…_nothing_..."

Meanwhile Liu Bei was whimpering over the fact that little innocent animals would be killed that day. He knew _he_ didn't have to, but the Wu generals would. They would murder poor innocent creatures.

"Lord Liu Bei, are you alright?" Zhao Yun asked, looking at the Shu ruler who made no reply.

They walked along the forest trail for a while. Liu Bei kept his eyes on the ground, looking at all the dirt and stones.

It was rather quiet when suddenly, a large creature jumped out from behind a bush.

**GRAWR!**

Liu Bei screamed in a high-pitch and girly voice as he latched onto Zhao Yun. "Don't let it eat me! It's charcoal eyes are staring at me!"

There was a huge bear. It looked completely insane because its fur stood up and its head and limbs looked like they were just attached onto the body. Its eyes looked like charcoal…way too much like charcoal.

Huang Gai, inside the bear suit was laughing as he continued to scare Liu Bei by just randomly growling and swishing his arms around. Liu Bei's expression was priceless.

But before Zhao Yun could attack it, Zhang Fei ran out from some bushes with his bow and arrow. "I'll save you, brother!" he yelled, tackling the bear. He punched it, but the bear just pushed him off. Then Zhang Fei loaded some arrows into his bow and shot an arrow at the bear that shouted out in agony.

"Hey, this is fun!" Zhang Fei exclaimed, shoot several more arrows at the bear.

"OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!" the bear wailed with each arrowshot.

Zhao Yun and Liu Bei looked surprised. "Wow, look, Zhao Yun, the bear can talk." The Shu ruler said with awe, "It's a potty mouth though…"

"IT TALKS!" Zhang Fei exclaimed hysterically, "I'll need to use something more powerful!" He then picked up a giant log and smacked the bear in the crotch.

"OH!" the bear moaned, dropping to its knees.

Then Ling Tong and Lu Xun emerged from the bushes. "We'll help you!" Lu Xun proclaimed. He really just wanted to stop them from murdering Huang Gai. The other Wu general then loaded an arrow into his bow. "I'll kill it!" Ling Tong cried as he let the arrow go much to Huang Gai and Lu Xun's horror.

But the arrow hit Zhang Fei in the back. "OWCH! What was that for?" he snapped.

"Oops, I made a mistake…"Ling Tong chuckled weakly. Darn, he was aiming for Liu Bei! "Here I go again!" He let the arrow go, only to have it embedded into Zhang Fei's back again."

"WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE TO YOU? A BULLSEYE? OR AM I AN ARROW MAGNET?" Zhang Fei wailed, greatly angered.

Ling Tong sheepishly laughed, "I'm only human, I make mistakes! Don't worry, third time's the charm!" He then loaded a third arrow and shot it.

It hit Liu Bei in his left butt cheek. The Shu ruler yelped. "I missed again. Oh well, I'll give up." Ling Tong said. Zhao Yun pulled the arrow out.

Mentally, Ling Tong cheered for his self. "You'll be okay, Liu Bei. It's just a small wound." he laughed.

Liu Bei whimpered.

"Anyway, let's help this poor bear out…" Lu Xun suggested, moving over to Huang Gai, but he tripped on something and suddenly they heard bells.

Then they heard a large thunderous sound approaching them.

"What's that?" Ling Tong wondered.

All of a sudden, from behind some trees a gigantic boulder came rolling out.

"OH CRAP!" Everyone there yelled.

Meanwhile, Zhou Yu stopped and looked up towards the sky. Someone activated one of my traps." he said, looking at Sun Ce, "I lined them all with bells so that when one is activated, I actually know that it was set-off."

"Let's go check it out then!" Sun Ce chirped, "I cannot wait to see the carnage!"

Back at the estate…

Shang Xiang had mounted her horse as she signaled for two servants to open the gates of the estate so that she could ride out. She had sent her friends out before her and was going to follow. She smiled to herself, wondering what excitement would be brought. "I'm sure it'll be so much fun." Oh, she so wanted to introduce her friends to everyone else. Shang Xiang would've gone with them but she wanted to bring Liu Bei and the others something for their bonding trip.

Elsewhere in the estate, Lady Wu was walking through the palace, heading for her room, when suddenly she let out a bloodcurdling scream upon noticing a hole in her lovely wall.

"WHO DID THIS?"

From far away, Lu Meng and Gan Ning heard that horrible screech and looked at each other. "Oh shit." They cursed in unison.

**How will the remaining Wu generals persuade Lady Wu? Who are Shang Xiang's surprise guests and what will happen when they visit the men? What other plots await Liu Bei? And what is up with Wu's farting chairs?**

**All will be answered in chapter five!**


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